A dog's new year resolutions

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1. I will stop trying to find the few remaining clean pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

3. I will not eat other animals' poop.

4. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

5. I will not eat my own vomit.

6. I will not eat "kitty box crunchies".

7. I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

8. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

9. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

10. I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

11. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

12. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

13. I will not bark each time I hear a door bell on TV.

14. I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.

15. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

16. I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

21. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

22. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

23. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
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