A dog's new year resolutions
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1. I will stop trying to find the few remaining clean pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
3. I will not eat other animals' poop.
4. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
5. I will not eat my own vomit.
6. I will not eat "kitty box crunchies".
7. I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
8. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
9. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
10. I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
11. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
12. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
13. I will not bark each time I hear a door bell on TV.
14. I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
15. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
16. I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
21. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
22. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
23. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
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